metal heart?

Im so sad...really sad...
when i really prepare for myself...
when my heart become n metal...
even anybody say about him, my heart will never cry..
is tat possible?

adoi...wat am i going to do...
he throw i present the hp to him?
is that wat he do....
he throw away all the memories me with him....
why he so cruel....

i aledi expected...to start this new job..i need to face the c2pig hing
he will tell his news, tat i wun like to hear...
but he tell me...he change his new hp...
he have say b4 he never change the hp..
as i buy for him..have many memories....

now izzit the memories is no use for him....
is i no more important to him
and he tell me he wun waste money on car
now he buy new vios...

is he changing....hing say he become more more handsome..
if he bring her new gf out...i dun think so i can take it....
wat am i going to do...im so sad...really sad
my tears keep on dropping...

my heart so sad..n crying while i get to know this..
why am i so weak...
how am i going to prepare my exam...
if my mood continue to be like...
if my heart is continue crying...
wat am i going to do.....

why im still thinking of him
i really hope my love to him will be fade..

god...pls help me...
pls help to stop my tears now...keep on dropping....
pls help me to stop my sadness...
i think i so go off earlier...
more earlier...so i can left far far away from this sadness...

my feeling

Everytime period time is my sad time,
i think this cause of hormon...well unbalance ...make my heart sad...
he is right, im always think of him...siang siang..
nobody can replace him in my heart...
i cant even start a new relatioship...
well how....

So tension

So tension..i beh tahan liao..gonna kisiao....
my brain keep on thinking...
many things to do...many things to do...

arrgghh.....this ask me do this...tat ask me do tat...
gonna siao ler....siao...siao...siao....
feel wanna cry jor....
haih.............sei lar...how ar..how to do jek
dateline is near......
very near........
open call a dozen.....

The dreams

yesterday..yesterday i have very weird dream..
i dream of him again.....well maybe my fren said it true...im worry
i dream that he said he have gf is all lie...
he just lie to me...and actually he still care for me...

well..i dunno its true or not...
i dunno why...i dun wanna show up at the gathering
really do not wan to....dun wan him to show up
later im afraid im so sad..........

since..when im talk wif my fren....
make me feel so sad...so sad...till non stop crying...really keep on cry...
why im like...really why leh........
till today no mood to do assignment again...
as my brain full of him....and worries of shell....
no other place of brain can think of how to do assignment

very very boring rite now.....
haih..............

need you beside me...

Now i always hide from you ...from ur frens......
but my heart still missing you...
i feel so suffered...my tears keep on dropping non stop...
i miss you terribly...

i have being bad luck...many bad things happen to me this month
my birthday coming soon..all the bad luck coming......
i have been rob, almost kena cucuk by 10 inch knife...
leg and pain...need to MC for 2 days...
before that gastric pain...make me sick for 2 weeks...
break down...cry infront of all the collegues...
i resign from my fav job...
Manager pijak me....said im not pretty enuff....
not pandai...n ask me go back n study...

am i that bad....really bad luck...
everything gone........i have nothing...really nothing......
you promise me...when ever im sad...
u will beside me to handle every obstacles im facing

but why im still alone here.....
i really need you beside me now.......
my tears cannot control rite now....
my heart so hurt.......really hurt coz of u.....

my turning point

Well at some finish my exam, but it will be my new turning point..
after finish exam on tat saturday, i back to work on sunday..
im not because of OT money, i go back to work
as i know will be many things left out and i go back try to finish it all,
but i dun aspect, it will be so many....

wow...sunday i do about 10 hours unable to finish..
monday, tuesday, wednesday..the call volume really suddenly increase too high..
increase of 50%, and somemore my works increase too much...
got ppl MC lah, onleave lar.....
im really broke down on the saturday..
as no one help me....i aledi surrender...still no one help me

i cry as too much pending updates, all ppl call in...chasing
my handshaking, hand cram..all my body become 'kebas'
first time..really my ex manager....ask me why im so frustrated...
that question...really touch me...as no one will ask me
except fendi and the exmanager....really...

i break down n cry....then she gif me a letter conversion to permanent...
well..i see it...it dun make me happy..but shock
why no salary increase...some more the resignation month is 2 months instead of 1 month

well....i really fedup...so fedup i dun wan to continue again...
actually in my heart im very angry of the leader..
leader very important in a team...
she is good in doing her job...
but the problem is she dunno how to divide the job among the team
and when she know a team member unable to take anymore..

she just continue to gif the job...tat y i fedup...
she will continue to gif me...forever...
i dun wan anymore...
furthermore my contract will be end on 27th..

so its time to me to jump
i tender my resignation letter
even i did not find a new job yet...

well hopefully i make a right decision

very sleepy....

i have took 3 days leave to study...
but i think i sleep more than study....
cannot concentrate ler...wat am i going to do...
so so so sleepy rite now....very the sleepy

tommorow is my exam day.....die loh..
wat am i going to do...i have study finish...
but seems good in writing the points out..
still need to practice ler...die ler....

adoi....help me...so sleepy...
i need 8 shots of expresso again.....

The wind blows...

the wind keep on blowing hardly..
i think will going to rain soon..
A life of MBA and with 16 hours job daily..
its really hard...very hard...

furthermore, my english is so sucks..
also can be an MBA....wow...really wow...
im really very boring...
and no mood to do assignment...

wonder where he is rite now
a bit of miss him...

today is 2nd sept..really want to see fireworks with u today
but..hmm..u did not call me since then..
and im really shy to be call u...

well im still struggling to write my assignment..
adoi..very sleepy...but i need to write it..
dun care anymore, juz finish it....

One of my fren have advise me before....
that i should forget about u..
and start new relationship...
i cant...i cant accept other guy besides you..
its there a miracle....

I LOVE YOU

I LOVE YOU means really care for you......
say it out but not to expect the return or anything....

I LOVE YOU is said because there is a pure thought..
that was hoping this magical 3 words..
can bring you happiness and futurity......
and because of having such pure thoughts...
ppl which have true heart to a person.
gives out all his/her courage to tell :
I LOVE YOU

The words is hiding below, highlight it with your cursor..
if you really want to know what is hiding in my heart...

Siang siang, Im truely love you imperfectly perfectly,
sincerely from my heart eventhough you don believe
and i have dissappointed you before
i will correct my mistake....

Yesterday once more

I have been hiding myself again...
my voice have come back...but still not fully recovered..
sick, headache, heart pain, tooth ache, throat no good, not feeling well....
all come in together...

d situpid hing....i think he dunno im so stress up n damn sad..
i said i dun wan to go to the gathering, not feeling well...
tat time im in conference call with bos n he YM me..
but he seems dun understand, tat day is tuesday, gathering is on saturday..
but he said..you not sick till saturday gua...
i said..its true..i aledi sick for 2 weeks...i really dun wan go..
then he said...siang siang got go woh...
he really make me fed up...more more fed up
really wan to use the chair n **bang** him
somemore ask all the frens gather at my house..
situpid...if my mom know im still seing tien siang..
she more nagging....adoi....dun tat situpid hing know that
if gather all ppl at my house im more dunno wat to do
n force to see siang siang......
eventhough im miss him teribbly but if i see him..i will more more more miss him till die

he duno im miss him n with work + study presure have make me fall sick
till 2 weeks still not yet fully recovered..but i still force myself to work
my bos oso pity my voice....but still ask me to do more work..
when im still so miss u...mention his name i oso wanna cry
if i go gathering n have met him...i really scare that i will cry nonstop...

wat happen to me..
i think he did not know tat yesterday i wun show up in gathering..
he call me yesterday...i really shock he have call me..
i aledi put silent mode..as i will know hing call...i dun plan to receive any calls
but is siang siang call me....n really suddenly feel want to cry
as i saw his name 'tien siang' and the photo(me and him) appear on my HP screen..
i dun realise my tears have falling....
when i hear his soft voice....i really 'sob..sob..sob'

my heart so pain...really miss him so much..
really want to hear his voice longer...
touch him n hug him...but i cant do tat now...haih...
wat am i suppose to do...
i really lost myself...

im hiding myself from them and my family nagging...
i sit at the MPH for hours...
and then i go massage...
the massage gal who have similar life with me..but she more cham
she said..wat happen to me...
im getting thin, thin n thin...n whole body so heaty...
yeah....really....feel so sad...tats y...
i after about 2 years...this few weeks...i really cannot tahan..
really so sad..seems like know something will be happen...

do u know tat, my assigment date line is 10 sept but one word i still not yet write..
my exam is on 15th...i really will die soon....
siang siang...really sorry....
i really very love you so much.....
but i will avoid to see you..
as i see you more..i will more sad n will lost myself more terribly...
so sorry... :'(

Im feel very lonely

Today suddenly feel very lonely and empty without u...
hmm...the first one year without u...
i think i lost my feeling....just hide n cry...
dun wan to talk and dun want to write in the blog...
Even you ask me to write my feelings to the big bro at the STAR..i din do...
i wan to write an email for you..i dun dare...
want to reply ur friendster msg but i din...
without u...i have lost myself..

its really correct, when u too sad...
u dun feel wan to talk, meet frens, drink alcohol...
just hide..relax and sit at the beach listen the wave...

the sea is something like ur love story...
u can hear it how sad its the story..
haih.....feel very boring aledi....

i really dun wan to go this saturday gathering..
dun wan to meet anybody include u...
later u make me more sad...
better dun want lar...
just keep the most handsome face in my heart its enuff...

really very lonely and empty...
dunno how to react.....

A god game..

On Sunday 3.40am..i make a wish as im really suffers the pain in my heart
i say..if u have a new gf...rain now heavilly...but if not..then rain a while in the early morning around 7am when i wake for work..

really..suddenly rain so heavily on 3.40....but when i woke up at 7am...it rain a little bit...
what does this mean...did god answer my wish...

well i din know...i know im too sad for this few days...till today im sick...
have to take MC for rest...i have lost my voice....on monday i already said..i cannot join any conference call...i really no voice..how to brainstorming again...i cant...
when i talk to my bos....he says..wow..kesian ur voice...

haha..my team mates all laugh...they hapi i cant marah ppl aledi...
suddenly so soft..my voice...hahah....well....need to rest....

my voice is comming back aledi....miss u so much..love u ler..

...

From today onwards, im still very love you..
even wat happen to you, im still very love you..
i will help you no matter wat..
but i will not asking u back for anything,
really sincere from my heart..
im really do...
love a person, no need together..
far far away, i know u live happily,
always smile is enuff for me..

from all the blogs, i din mention the name of him..
him..my beloved siang siang..
now the only first time i mention his name..

i write blog here instead of friendster,
i just dun want his fren to disturb him
about my feelings...
im always feel sad and moody..
at previously at the rented house we live together..
im always hide myself n cry...
n go to the garden..n wanna be alone...
but i remember he follow me behind..
scares that i will be danger...
but i always try so many ways not to let him follow..
n i found a garden to hide, they never know till today..

a place for me to be silent..
after break off with u..
i have hide myself, make myself bz...
about 2 years...im still miss you so much,
yesterday, i been chatting wif loy..
when i sad im sad...he know im sad coz of u..
but u never know that im very sad..
really really very sad...
till a tear very hard to drop..
the pain in my heart very deep...

but from today onwards...
i wun let my love for you..i feel so pain..
but opposite..love you should be a very happy things rite
very very happy..hehe...
i will not cry, not try to suicide...
but give me some time ok...

im dun have courage to be meet you on this saturday..
i think so long..i think i better make excuses not to show up tat day..really..when since meet u tat day..
my heart really so pain...
well...i choose not to see u again...
at least wait till you birthday ok...

i really very sorry to you..im never hurt you..
will never let you see all this blog...
im scare will make you cry...
as u cry little baby...
im very love you..sincerely n truely from my heart..

im swear...i will not let the pain
make me lost in this life..
i will fully concentrate in my studies..
and my carreer..eventhough face many obstacles..
i love you..should not have pain in my heart rite
i have lost you..but i will more strong..
hope is there..
to be with you again..haha..dreaming oni
dun scare ok...

yesterday im still remember, when im so sad..
hide myself..i din answer phone calls..
very down..very down..
the moment i really cannot stand..
from msn popup, i saw ur name..
u have send a email to me..
the email..really make burst out in tear..
n..i feel better...
eventhough not a meaningful email...
its just forward email..
but this mean u have not forget me..
this aledi enuff for me..

whew...a bit lega aledi..
hope you always remember me...muaks..

eventhough i know u malas layan me..
but just want to tell you
i promise you i will finish my assignment..
n continue my life without u..
i will live coz ur love...

the tear of my heart

when im thinking of u...suddenly somebody make me remember you...tat u like this strawberry..

really miss u..

suddenly my mail box have ur email...eventhough a bullshit email...but really ease my pain...

as i know u still remember of me rite...

it make my tears out...i feel much more better...

i love you...waiting to see fireworks with you again...as i know now putrajaya start fireworks competition.... hope to be with u again

feel wan to die.....

i have watch a drama, inside have a character,
a gal love life is very similar with me..
i watch the drama to ease my preasure..
to fill up my spaces in my life,

my love life...well..my heart still full of him..
with the presure of work, family..
and the pain of missing him..
i wonder how can i survive from all this..

all things need to blame myself..
as im the one suggest to breakoff...
now im hide myself in pain...
really me padan muka ler...
haih...

i need to be positive..be positive...
even cry, how hard n less sleep..
i also need to go through all this hard stage..
be patient..calm my mind...
sorry to the macdonald..
even though i dislike the way he do..
but i should not loose my temper on him..

im so sorry....im understand tat he have his own principles..
he says have to be straight way..
i really wan to..but i think of so many way..
it did not works and even make us in trouble..
at first when im new in corporate world..
im also think the same..
but...we cannot be too straight sometimes..
i really cannot take it anymore..
i need to finish up my work..

i did not kill anymore or make sombody life miserable..
but its just not that ethical...oni one time
for the sake of finish the work
client n bos will be happy..
win win strategy...

my brain full of this complicated things...
left brain think of works...
right brain think of assignment, research, wordings..
middle..the most important part of my brain..
thinking of him..

really wonder..i have serious relationship for twice..
but this guy...i mean my love for this guy..
never fade...y never fade...
still keep the love stone he give me..
he ask me to touch the stone when i miss him..
it will like see him in real...

but i din touch the stone...
i close my eyes...can remember his handsome n stupid face..
well..he look stupid n cute sometimes..hehe
im still miss the moment we have in the mines lake..
we sit there for lake view, waiting the waves come..
we hug n kiss together..yummy....hehe
when raining tat time, we sit under the hut..
hugging each other and see the rainbow...

its the perfect picture for me..
it the pic tat we saw at the puzzles shop...
tat i so sad that i do not have the perfect picture in my life...
but now i do have..its always keep in my heart..
im really love you...

very very love you...i dun wan see u hurt coz of me..
we always fight..quarrel...
we not sincere with each other
u have problem did not tell me...
i have problem keep on make u worry coz of my problem..
this make us have the gap between us...
you did not trust me..
and make like eventhough we so near
but yet feel like so far....
im so san fu....really san fu....

after i have apart with u..
im more san fu..san fu till now eventhough 2 years aledi.
my love for u never fade..
i miss u so much...
dying want to be back with u...
really wan it...but is it possible
its there a hope..
my heart so pain now...dying want to see u..
want to sms u...
wan to call you, listen to ur voice...
but i have no courage to do so....
im so useless....

my mind now thinking of return the love stone, necklace n the music box to u...i errmmm...so miss u.........my goodness..
wat happen to me ler...wat happen...

if i saw u with other gal, get married
i will be so sad...so sad...terribly sad...
but i will wisu u happy always...
from the true of my heart...
i might will end my life after that..
even now im so suffer...
i cant imagine wat will it be...

end my life is a good choice
im really down...nothing happy things
feel so depress...
make me dun want to stay in this world..
now really want to end my life now.
im cannot tahan anymore...

Keee pa ratttt

Im very weak...i mean in sense of leaderships.
i have no patient at all, im easy get frustrated..
and raise up my voice as fast as instant mee...

adoi...if i need to be successful in corporate world as n project manager, i need to watch out my attitude..
i need to learn to be confident and patients
most important is calm mind...hahah

Corporate world..
this is wat i fear since 14th years old..
politics....corporate politics...
no good bos...
no good leader..
the stupid me...try to settle things
client keep on push...
every hour push u....conference call...
push ...push... push....

ask me to save the call..
but now is CE resource problem...
but bos said we have many engineers...
can save all the calls...
how he solve the problem...
gif a call to me...ask me save the call

i say no engineer...
but he did not listen...he ask y other engineer is free..
he forgot that he already end their contract..
ask me dun use them anymore....

but in the conference call...
keep on push me...
push...push...push....

the client actually is 1 women...
now become 2 women...
i will be dead meat...
they really want me to push out engineer out..
want me suddenly pregnant 10 enginners
i cant...i just small ant....

really funny...my PM cry...
ask me to solve the problem...
my goodnees...all the presure on my shoulder...
i feel very stress up...

plus my assignment due date is very near..
a word also not yet write..
one research oso did not do..
my mind full of preasures, datelines and him..
what a complicated life...

The dreams...

I think today i break my own record...
i sleep for so long
no wonder my family give a title..
tat is "Sleeping Queen"
dun play play with this title hoh..
i sleep since 10pm yesterday till today 5pm..
hmm..tat is 19 hours..

amazing rite, usually if i sleep for 5 hours,
i already so much to me..
but today i sleep for so much...
my goodness, it shock me..
now..i have a very heavy and painful head
i need to stick the cooling plaster on my forehead..

what happen to me, my head keep on thinking of him,
when wif him, i feel so sad..
after break off with him, i feel so hurt..
while i sleeping, i dreaming of him
it seems so real, i enjoying life with him..
a simple life..cooks together, at our own house..
i do my readings, he take a nap...

wow..really a perfect life for me...
but unfortunately, when i woke up..
its not true at all..

its seems very strange..when i together wif him..
i dream of he have other women and will be away from me,
we will not last long....
tats y im supersentive when got gals touch him, sms him.
i will feel very suspicious..

but when i break up wif him,
i dream of having life with him pulak..
am i 'lorri jean' leh...

Last friday, when im yum cha wif my fren,
he told me, if you feel so moody coz of him..
why dont you approach him and ask to be back to him

i wun do tat, if i want it..i wun ask for break off instead..
i can feel he dun wan to have love life with me..
he dun wan to be with me anymore...
tats y last 5 months be with him..i can feel it..
tats y dun wan us to feel the more pain between us..

at first i feel reluctant to do it,
i bring my little doggie to accompany me..
i know i will keep on crying..
unable to say a word..
i think my this kinda attitude dissapointed him..
he dunno tat when im too sad..
i cant say even a word..
let me cool down..sometimes i feel reluctant to say the things in my heart..

we is micommunication, not understand each other very well..
thats y happen in this way....
so sad....
if he ask me back to me with him..
tats mean he 100% ready to be with me...
for sure i will say yes..
but i know this things wun happen
as i know too good to be true...

Not feeling well...

Here i am..here doing blogging, surfing and doing research for my assignment...

very much in pain..i mean stomach pain...feel very not well..and my back ache coming again..

adoi...suddenly feel so old..despite all the pain n pressure i have in my work..

my mind always popup his image, his back view...he...all the time...what is so great about this guy? nah....wonder y ar...y always think of him...hmm..its a puzzle... haha...or maybe its just simple..love him very muchiieee..

well to ease my pain of all this...i listening the song 'waiting for you'...haha..wat a nice song...

Hope you sleeping with a nice dream and have a very good day ahead... :)

Better?

Well, more than a week..my emotion a bit of better n stabilize. im really useless rite, im always said i dun mine, im ok, im open and can take it very easy. But my heart pain like shit, still very miss him. After seeing him, i feel so lost. My heart so pain....im become so silent again and do things usually i wun do..

scary hah, luckily u not know me in person. ..my heart still have in and i want him back so badly. But i know, im not good enuff for him. If i back together with him, i scare that i will hurt him again. I dun want to hurt him as im so love him. But of coz u will ask me, y u want to hurt him anyway..
Of coz i wun hurt him purposely, it juz sometimes might a small things like i did not know it hurt him, but i really hurt him. Complicated? hmm..yeah..my mind always very complicated.

Thats y most of the time, i should not be sad but coz my complicated mind make easy things become very complicated and im sad of the fact that i twisted it. My complicated mind also have hurted him. I dun want to be like tat again. Just wan him to be happy, he is happy now without me.. and i happy if u know he truely happy. When i stare at his eyes, im still see the hope we can be together. He give me a warm smile even though we have break off for 2 years.

Im really wonder did he feel sad when he met 2 ex gf together ....pity him, if i know she show up, i wun show up together...im not coward or wat, just dun wan him to feel so bad...well, if i were her, i wun bring bf together if know that u will met exbf... Dun misunderstand me, just dun want both parties feel arkward. And i dun wan him to be hurt. Unless he bring gf together too..

Hope he is fine...but i see sadness in his eye..maybe im too sensitive. But i know the gal saw me, like well...enemy. But i smile to her, i did not felt that im curi his bf or wat..me is me...just its my mistake to be with him so fast..i should have wait....

now everyone is sad....i hope next time i meet him, i will recover faster and my emotion will not effect on my studies and exam... as i know its 0% i will be back to him...as he dun wan me...this is the fact..huhuhu... wat a sad story...

H.I.M

well..another sad and moody for me,
just now i have saw a word from the Tv,
it say "why want to lie to yourself?",
yes..i really cant lie to myself..

yesterday, i have my fren ask me,
how you felt?
Still cannot forget about him?
i answer, well its just ok for me,
just fren between us...that time he just sit opposite of me
feel very comfortable and i can feel myself alife back,
when he stand up and wave goodbye,
my heart suddenly feel pain,
more pain when only see his back while he walk off,,

what happen to me, i really tot i can forget about him,
can be normal frens, am i lying to myself..
maybe i am...my heart still have him,
many ppl ask me, am i still love him,
i answer no...but..
the truth is im more love him compare when we together that time..

weird hah..oh my gosh..
i really dunno wat happen to me
when we met again, seems like have those days of feeling,
feel so close, feel like myself..
feel happy, feel wan to hug him...
but keep on telling myself,
cannot hug him, he no more longer is mine..

haih..so sad..he not mine...
but want have him to be mine...
but he dun wan me...
im dissapointed him so much,
he wun want me back...

haih its one of the flaw of my life.
so miss him..
after see him..my heart so painful..
the most painful is,
when sit beside him, miss him so much but cant have him..
haih....my world always in sadness...

im always here for you, love u always
my heart only have you
unable to accept other guys into my heart...